Eight Ways to Pretend You're in Control of Inflation

Food prices continue to rise. Financial media responds by publishing a listicle. This is the level of journalism we've earned as a species.

The article promises eight money moves. Not seven. Not nine. Eight. Someone got paid to count to eight and then stop. They looked at their editor and said "eight feels right" and the editor nodded because they also have no idea what they're doing.

Here's what didn't make the list: shorting wheat futures. Buying farmland. Learning to hunt. You know, actual money moves. Instead you're getting "use coupons" and "buy generic brands" like it's 1987 and your grandmother just handed you a Sunday circular.

Retail traders will read this article. They'll clip coupons for Greek yogurt while their portfolio bleeds out in some lithium mining stock they bought because a guy on Twitter said it was the next Tesla. They'll save four dollars on cereal and lose four thousand on options they didn't understand. But at least they got the generic Cheerios.

The best part is the framing. "Money moves." Like switching from name brand pasta to store brand is a f*cking chess gambit. Like you're Warren Buffett because you remembered to check the unit price. You're not making money moves. You're poor. There's a difference.

Food prices will keep rising. Articles like this will keep getting published. People will keep reading them and feeling productive. Nothing will change except the number on your grocery receipt and the number in your brokerage account, both moving in the wrong direction.

But hey, you saved thirty cents on tomato sauce.

Photo by Gemma C on Unsplash