The FBI disrupted a plot targeting a UFC event at the White House. Director Kash Patel confirmed multiple people are in custody. The plot targeted Sunday's event. This marks the first time in American history that mixed martial arts at the executive mansion required federal counterterrorism intervention.
Forget the national security implications. The real story is that someone greenlit cage fighting on the South Lawn and nobody thought this might attract problems.
UFC brass presumably sent the invitations with little cartoon octagons embossed in gold leaf. RSVP by June 10th. Black tie optional. Rear naked chokes mandatory. The Secret Service ran background checks on fighters who punch people unconscious for a living and decided yeah, this seems fine, let's do it at the President's house.
Patel held a press conference. Multiple suspects in custody. Plot disrupted. Everyone safe. He did not explain why the White House is hosting events where men bleed on each other for sport. He did not address whether this was always the plan or if someone lost a very expensive bet.
The suspects allegedly targeted the UFC event specifically. Not a state dinner. Not a bill signing. The f*cking fight night. They looked at the entire White House event calendar and picked the one where Joe Rogan might be commentating from the Rose Garden.
Dana White could not be reached for comment. He's probably already planning the rematch. UFC 312: Federal Detention Center. Pay-per-view revenues through the roof. The octagon is a holding cell. The undercard is a bail hearing.
Retail traders immediately tried to trade this news. They panic-sold defense stocks, then panic-bought them back, then sold them again when they remembered they have no idea what they're doing. One guy on Reddit asked if this meant puts on America. Another asked if calls on private security companies were the move. The move is logging off forever.
The White House will not confirm whether future UFC events are cancelled, which means they're genuinely considering doing this again.
Photo by René DeAnda on Unsplash
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