Mitch McConnell fell. Got pneumonia. Disappeared for a while. Came back. Provided an update. The longest-serving party leader in Senate history ate sh*t and caught a lung infection, and precisely zero traders adjusted their positions based on this information.
Because here's the thing about political health updates: they matter exactly as much as every other piece of news you're frantically refreshing your portfolio over. Which is to say, not at all. McConnell could've announced he was actually three possums in a suit and your AMD calls would still be down 40%.
But some retail genius out there saw this headline and thought "legislative implications." Started drawing lines on a chart connecting McConnell's fall to the Senate calendar to the debt ceiling to their positions in SPY puts. Built a whole thesis around geriatric instability. Probably posted it in a Discord with seventeen members.
The man is 84 years old. Falls happen. Pneumonia happens. Long unexplained absences happen when you've been in the Senate since before the invention of the internet. None of this moves markets. None of this changes your technical levels. None of this matters to the algorithm that's going to liquidate your account on Tuesday.
You want a health update that affects your trades? Here it is: the market doesn't have a pulse. It's not sick. It's not healthy. It just is. And your desperate attempt to trade the news cycle is the financial equivalent of diagnosing yourself with WebMD at 3 AM.
McConnell's fine now, by the way. Back to work. Ready to continue doing whatever it is Senate leaders do while your stop-loss gets hunted for the fourth time this week.
Photo by iMattSmart on Unsplash
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