Michigan eased its lettuce warnings this week after cyclosporiasis cases dropped. The state reported two deaths. Both victims had underlying health conditions, which is medical speak for "they were already f*cked but the lettuce finished the job."
Cyclosporiasis comes from a parasite you get from eating contaminated produce. The symptoms include diarrhea lasting weeks, weight loss, and the crushing realization that a Caesar salad tried to murder you. The CDC says outbreaks happen when food gets contaminated with feces. Your romaine went through someone's intestines before it went through yours.
Michigan saw the worst of it. Now the health department says the outbreak is declining, so residents can return to their normal lettuce consumption levels. What those levels are remains unclear. The state did not specify whether "easing advice" means you can now eat lettuce with moderate caution or if you should still treat every leafy green like it's evidence in a homicide case.
Two people died from this. Lettuce killed them. Not a car accident. Not a heart attack during a Lions game. Lettuce. You survive Michigan winters, potholes the size of above-ground pools, and Flint's water crisis, then you get taken out by a salad ingredient that's 95% water.
The advice has been eased. The threat has declined. The parasite that turns your intestines into a waterslide has moved on to another state, probably. Michigan residents can now approach the produce aisle without assuming every head of iceberg is a biological weapon. Progress.
Somewhere a day trader is reading this and thinking it's a buying opportunity for packaged salad companies because "the worst is over." That trader will lose money on something dumber than lettuce futures by Monday.
Photo by Gary Meulemans on Unsplash
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