Mizuho Discovers August Has Thirty-One Days

Mizuho released its top stock picks for August. They added Walmart. A company that sells groceries and lawn chairs. Revolutionary stuff.

Some analyst over there spent weeks running models and stress tests and scenario analyses to conclude that the largest retailer in America might be worth owning. The same Walmart that's been around since 1962. The same one every human being with a pulse already knows about. But sure, let's pretend this is actionable intelligence.

Here's what happened. A bunch of guys in ties sat in a conference room and argued about whether to recommend Walmart in August or September. They went with August. Probably because someone had a vacation planned for September. Then they called it a top pick. Then they sent it to clients. Then those clients forwarded it to retail traders who will now buy Walmart shares at 9:31 AM on Monday and wonder why they're not rich by Tuesday.

The best part is the urgency. Top picks for August. Not July. Not September. August specifically. As if the calendar month matters. As if some cosmic force makes Walmart a better buy between August 1st and August 31st than it was on July 30th. The charts don't care what month it is. Price doesn't check a calendar before it moves.

But retail traders will read this headline and think they've stumbled onto insider knowledge. They'll buy Walmart calls. They'll tell their friends. They'll check their portfolio every eleven minutes. And when nothing happens, they'll wait for Mizuho's top picks for September.

Mizuho could've picked any month. They could've picked Walmart in February. They could've picked it never. But they went with August, gave it a official list, and somehow convinced people this was research instead of a calendar with tickers written on it.

Photo by on Unsplash