The average NFL team is now valued at $10.36 billion. That's up 35% in one year. For context, that's faster growth than your index fund will ever see, but you can't buy it, so who gives a f*ck.
CNBC released their official valuations like anyone trading options on a Thursday morning needed to know what the Jacksonville Jaguars are worth. They don't trade on an exchange. You can't short them. There's no ticker symbol. This is financial news for people who think reading makes them investors.
Thirty-two billionaires got 35% richer by owning something you'll never own, doing nothing you could replicate, in a market you can't access. But sure, let's publish a ranked list so you can feel informed while you're down 18% on some semiconductor stock your brother-in-law mentioned at Thanksgiving.
The valuations are based on revenue multiples, stadium deals, and media rights that were negotiated before you woke up and will be renegotiated after you go to sleep. None of it affects your portfolio. None of it changes your entry point. You're reading about rich people's assets the same way you watch house-hunting shows for mansions you can't afford.
Here's what's useful about this information: nothing. The Cowboys are worth more than the Browns. Stunning. The team in the bigger market with better branding commands a higher valuation. Someone alert the Nobel committee. Oh wait, I can't say that.
Every year these valuations go up and every year you read about it like it's actionable intelligence. It's not a signal. It's not a trend you can ride. It's a press release with numbers that make you feel like you're learning something between checking your losing positions.
The only thing growing faster than NFL franchise values is the rate at which retail traders convince themselves that reading headlines counts as research.
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