Paramount and the California Attorney General's office plan to meet Monday. They will discuss settling an antitrust lawsuit. The lawsuit involves Paramount's Warner Bros. Discovery deal. Nothing says "we did nothing wrong" like scheduling a settlement meeting with the state's top lawyer.
The meeting exists because someone at Paramount apparently forgot that mergers require more than a handshake and a PowerPoint deck. California disagrees with their approach. Hence the lawsuit. Hence the Monday meeting. Hence this entire f*cking article.
Retail traders will read this headline and think it means something. They will check their WBD calls. They will refresh their Robinhood accounts. They will text their cousin who works at Enterprise Rent-A-Car to ask if he's heard anything. He has not heard anything. He rents Nissan Sentras to people whose insurance won't cover a Camry.
The settlement discussion will involve attorneys billing $800 per hour to argue about remedies that were already decided in a different conference room three weeks ago. Paramount will agree to something. California will declare victory. A press release will contain the word "robust." Another will contain "consumer protections." Both documents will be written by people who have never paid for a streaming service with their own credit card.
This is what passes for market-moving news. A meeting about a settlement about a deal that already happened. Your entire trading thesis now depends on whether someone brings donuts to a conference room in Sacramento.
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