The Secret Service held a press conference to inform America that threats against protectees have jumped 40% this year. They described the current situation as "the highest threat environment we've ever seen." Congratulations to everyone involved in making this happen. Really tremendous work.
The agency didn't specify whether the increase came from people who own Dogecoin or people who shorted Dogecoin, but statistically speaking it's got to be one of those two groups. Maybe both. Maybe they're threatening each other and the Secret Service is just caught in the middle like a substitute teacher at a continuation school.
A 40% spike means the Secret Service went from dealing with the normal baseline of lunatics to dealing with 40% more lunatics. That's not a rounding error. That's not statistical noise. That's a verified explosion in the number of people who decided this year was the year to become a federal case study. The agency is now stretched so thin they're probably protecting the President with guys who used to guard the salad bar at Sizzler.
Retail traders will look at this headline and somehow find a way to blame Jerome Powell. They'll draw lines on a chart connecting interest rate decisions to threat levels. They'll create a Discord server about it. They'll call it actionable intelligence. None of this will help them avoid their margin call on Tuesday.
The Secret Service official didn't offer solutions, which is the most honest thing a government employee has said in years. What's the fix here? Ask people nicely to calm down? Issue a press release reminding citizens that making threats is illegal? The agency knows exactly what's happening and knows there's f*ck-all they can do except hire more guys and hope the overtime budget doesn't run out before November.
At least they're finally admitting it. That's more transparency than you'll get from your broker when your portfolio hits zero.
Photo by diana kereselidze on Unsplash
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