JPMorgan analysts released their favorite stock picks for August. The month of August. As if the Earth's position relative to the sun has any bearing on whether shares of a multinational corporation go up or down.
This is the same bank that employs thousands of people with advanced degrees to stare at charts and determine that yes, these particular stocks will outperform during the specific thirty-one day period when kids go back to school. Not September. August. The methodology here is airtight.
The analysts did not specify whether these picks apply to the entire month or just business days. They did not clarify if Labor Day affects the thesis. They did not mention what happens if you buy on August 2nd versus August 29th. These seem like important details for a month-specific recommendation, but what do I know. I just draw lines on charts for a living.
Retail traders will see this headline and think JPMorgan cracked some code. That a team of analysts ran the numbers and found stocks that specifically pop in August due to seasonal flows or back-to-school spending or some other narrative that sounds smart at parties. They will buy these stocks. They will check their accounts daily. They will notice JPMorgan also releases favorite picks for September, October, November, and somehow every single month has different favorites, almost like the calendar is completely f*cking irrelevant.
The real genius move would be JPMorgan releasing their favorite stocks for August 4th through August 11th. Then August 12th through August 19th. Different picks each week. Hell, different picks each day. Eventually someone would wise up, but given how many people still read horoscopes, I doubt it.
By September 1st, these will be JPMorgan's least favorite stocks, and nobody will remember this article existed.
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