Paramount CEO David Ellison just signed an antitrust settlement promising Warner Bros. Discovery theatrical releases for five whole years. Five years. In media company timeframes, that's like promising your grandkids you'll definitely make it to their wedding when you're already on a ventilator.
The settlement eased theatrical concerns. Those are the concerns where studios pretend they care about movie theaters while simultaneously teaching everyone to watch movies on their phones. Warner Bros. Discovery needed reassurance that Paramount wouldn't immediately dump everything straight to streaming. Paramount said sure, we promise. For five years. Then all bets are off.
Here's what actually happened: Ellison walked into a room and told Hollywood executives that Paramount would keep making movies that play in actual buildings with sticky floors and overpriced popcorn. Hollywood executives nodded. Everyone shook hands. Nobody addressed what happens in year six when the agreement expires and Paramount remembers it could save $47 million per film by skipping theaters entirely.
Some remain skeptical. Those people can read a calendar.
The best part is calling this an antitrust settlement, like the real monopoly concern in media right now is whether Warner Bros. gets enough Paramount movies in theaters. Not whether three companies own every piece of content you've ever watched. Not whether streaming services can raise prices 40% while removing shows you already paid for. No, the pressing antitrust issue is theatrical windows.
Retail traders saw this news and immediately started Googling "what is WBD stock ticker" because they genuinely don't know if they own it or not. Half of them think they bought HBO Max shares in 2021. The other half are convinced David Ellison is Elon Musk's cousin.
Five years from now, when this agreement expires and Paramount is owned by a private equity firm that also runs a chain of urgent care clinics, everyone will act surprised that the promises didn't hold.
Photo by on Unsplash
Leave a Comment