The CDC closed the books on a cyclosporiasis outbreak that sent 12,000 Americans to the toilet. The culprit was shredded iceberg lettuce from Taylor Farms. Iceberg lettuce. The lettuce nobody has ordered on purpose since 1987.
Twelve thousand people got sick from the most flavorless vegetable in the produce aisle. Not arugula. Not some exotic microgreen that costs eighteen dollars per ounce. Iceberg lettuce. The lettuce that exists solely to add crunch to bad sandwiches and bulk to terrible salads at chain restaurants. The lettuce that is ninety-six percent water and four percent regret.
Taylor Farms shredded this lettuce, which means somebody looked at iceberg lettuce and thought it needed to be made worse. More surface area for parasites. More opportunities for contamination. Less structural integrity. They took the blandest ingredient in American cuisine and ran it through industrial blades so it could arrive pre-wilted in a bag.
The parasite in question causes diarrhea, stomach cramps, and nausea. Symptoms that are indistinguishable from eating iceberg lettuce under normal circumstances. Half the victims probably didn't even notice they were sick. They just assumed this was what eating salad felt like.
The outbreak is officially over, which means Taylor Farms can return to their core mission of putting wet shredded nonsense into plastic clamshells. Retail traders who bought lettuce futures thinking this would create scarcity pricing learned that nobody wants the lettuce even when it's safe. The only thing less valuable than contaminated iceberg lettuce is clean iceberg lettuce, because at least the contaminated version has a story behind it.
Twelve thousand people sick from eating what is essentially crunchy water proves Americans will put anything in their mouths if it comes in a bag with a farm name on it.
Photo by Nisuda Nirmantha on Unsplash
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