Three stocks got blessed by top Wall Street analysts this week. The experts used in-depth research and thorough analysis. They crunched numbers. They modeled scenarios. They did everything except check a f*cking chart.
The article promises these picks are for the long haul. Not the short haul. Not the medium haul. The long one. You know what else is for the long haul? Your student loans after you blow your account following analyst upgrades.
These ratings are backed by deep dives into financials. They analyzed factors affecting business performance. They considered macroeconomic trends and sector rotation and management quality. Then they published their picks on Tuesday morning so retail traders could buy the top by Tuesday afternoon.
The analysts work at prestigious firms. They went to good schools. They passed the Series 7 and probably the CFA. They make six figures to tell pension funds what stocks to buy. Then they act surprised when those stocks trade lower three months later because guess what? The stock doesn't care about your discounted cash flow model.
Here's what in-depth research means on Wall Street. An analyst reads the 10-K, builds a spreadsheet, meets with management for thirty minutes, then slaps a price target on the stock that's exactly 20% above current levels. Always 20%. Never 19%. Never 21%. Always enough to justify the call but not enough to look stupid when it doesn't happen.
The article doesn't name the three stocks. It wants you to click through. It wants engagement. It wants you to read about thorough analysis so badly that you'll surrender your email address to find out which companies got the golden stamp of approval from people who get paid whether you make money or not.
Retail traders will read this headline and think they found alpha. They found a participation trophy with a price target attached.
Photo by Larry Nalzaro on Unsplash
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