Elon Musk says Indian oligarchs are blocking Starlink because they fear competition. Not because India has spectrum allocation rules. Not because the country requires local partnerships for satellite services. Not because there's an actual licensing process that applies to everyone. Oligarchs. Protecting their monopoly. Got it.
The world's richest man just discovered that other countries have rich people too. And those rich people also know how to lobby governments. Stunning development. Really groundbreaking stuff. Next he'll tell us that water is wet and retail traders lose money on options.
Starlink can't get approval in India so the problem must be a shadowy cabal of telecom billionaires. Couldn't possibly be that launching thousands of satellites into orbit requires navigating actual regulations. Couldn't be that sovereign nations get touchy about foreign companies controlling their communications infrastructure. Couldn't be that Musk's usual strategy of ignoring rules and asking forgiveness later doesn't work when you need spectrum licenses from a government that gives exactly zero f*cks about your Twitter follower count.
The best part? Musk thinks calling them oligarchs makes this sound sinister. Brother, you're worth $300 billion and own a social media platform you use to complain about regulation. You're not exactly writing this from a coal mine.
Some guy in Mumbai who sells penny stocks to his neighbors just read this headline and thought he finally found someone who blames foreigners more than he does. He's literally taking notes. Tomorrow he'll tell his clients that American oligarchs are the reason his tech fund is down 60%.
Indian regulators responded by continuing to not care about Elon's feelings, which remains the most effective Musk management strategy ever devised.
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